The Grainger Walk

5.26.2003 :::

Either I missed something in the HTML or Blogger is really slow now- anyways, if it's still here, fine, but be warned that I will try harder next time.... *yawn*

Ok, so three really stupid things have happened in the shoutouts in a period of two days, so I'm taking it off indefinitely... it will take a hell of a lot of begging to get ME to put it back on, though I'm not sure about Jerry... the point being, you stupid fucks obviously don't know how to control your horny posting-lust, so I'm outfitting you with a metaphorical chastity belt. Have fun. Yeah, I should go to sleep or I'll miss the bus.

::: posted by Dan at 5/26/2003 11:38:00 PM

5.25.2003 :::

Yang, you can ban all of my accounts but you'll never take my freedom. Does he read this thing? Shit.
I don't really have anything INTERESTING to say, but I do have interesting news. Texas doctors are now required to bullshit their patients. If somebody wants a divorce, they have to wait 24 hours, during which time the doctor tells them how evil abortion is and shows them pictures of dead feti (fetuses?). They also make up the ASBURD lie that abortion causes breast cancer. Fuck, breat cancer. Now, listen, this is the important part: our government sucks assnitch. Fuck, they don't have a right to do this bullshit. And bush is fucked up. go to comedycentral.com, find the Daily Show section, and view the Bush debate movie. He pulled a fucking 180 degree mutherfucking spin after he got eleted. He also lost all of his charisma and became a slow, nervous monkey.
Also, I-Spy is kind of shitty, don't pay money to see it.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/25/2003 06:30:00 PM

5.24.2003 :::

SCHEDULED PHOTO SHOOT DATES:
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Sleepover at Jerry's

::: posted by Dan at 5/24/2003 11:12:00 PM

5.23.2003 :::

EDITED BY ADMINISTRATOR:
Be sure to check out Yang's forums, which are again re-starting themselves at their usual address, for a different spin on net interaction.
Barr, please do not re-post your old post again. I know you will claim not to care if I kick you off, but eventually, you always come groveling back. There is no need to rant against this blog on its humble pages. Use your own blog, or Yang's forums, for that.
Is this fair?
I think so.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/23/2003 09:13:00 PM

Why, what fun would school life be, if nobody knew about it?
None, of course.
So, I've taken a few pictures and put them on the photos section of the blog (can also be accessed via the link below the hits counter). Take a look, but be warned: Slow connections are not reccomended!

::: posted by Dan at 5/23/2003 08:48:00 PM

5.22.2003 :::

New blog pic to the left, by the way. Hope you like it.

I plan on uploading the pics taken today during lunch tomorrow, in our new photos section. Stay tuned- oh wait. You can't. Never mind.

::: posted by Dan at 5/22/2003 10:04:00 PM

5.21.2003 :::

thanks for reminding me jerry, i am now in the PC lab and so i can put he pictures up, if i can find how. here's an attempt:
laura
max
ben sands (Benjesus)

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/21/2003 03:42:00 PM

5.20.2003 :::

I may be moving back to Urbana within the next month... And I really really hope I do.
For once, I can talk about the things that actually happened, and they maintain a satisfying level of perversion. Actually, that's true every day. But today was special, because of the double-dose of awards assemblies, which are for suckers, which is why I am far far away from the currently running athletic awards assembly. But, I was forced to go to the academic one, which wasn't so excruciatingly boring as in previous years. Abe won some award, which prompted me to tell everyone that we should stand up, give the Nazi salute, and say "Heil, Mein Fuhrer". That would have been classic, except there would be some potential repercussions. Also, Dr. J unwittingly pulled a me and pronounced all his s's with the sh-sound. Association became Ash-sho-shi-ashun. The best part was when Schlichter Schphincter won his Principal's Award, and he actually pronounced it as "Schlichter". Too bad this man has to leave. I respect him all the more for saying Schlichter.
Ok, that wasn't perverted, but the next bit is... odd. Kirill was trying to seduce Barr as we packed up our stuff to leave, and he said "Oh, Barr I want to kiss you." Then I gave him a piece of chewy granola bar to kiss Barr, but he wouldn't do it on the cheek, so I had him kiss Barr on the leg instead, which was kinda lame. As Kirill and I walked back to Kenney Gym, I proposed the very hypothetical question of "If there were no penalties, would you kiss Barr on the lips for money?" Then he started laughing. Really really hard. I did too. There was never a clear answer, but I think he would, less for the pleasure, which I hope he wouldn't have, but more for the spectacle. I offered him 20 bucks to do it anyways, but he refused.
I progressed to practice, where we did a 40 minute long run, which involved lots of "running". Somehow we strayed into a conversation about track coaches. Here are 3 quality Meg is Hot stories:
1. I was walking with Andre through campus, and we saw Meg. Meg says "Hi, Jerry". Andre says "Holy shit, you know that chick!"
2. Schlichter was walking with Meg outside Uni, and Bob came up, stunned, and said "Hey, Slichter, who's your lady friend?"
3. Last year, Sto saw Meg in a sports bra (a common sight) and got really shy and embarassed, and was like "Oh my god, Tianyu, look over there!" "It's just my coach" No wonder Sto joined track...
We unanimously decided Meg beats the fuck out of Ms. Yi, which is true, but she doesn't match Laura, who is the reason I brought this all up in the first place. Tianyu pulled me over in a confidential manner, and said "So I hear you and Kirill have this thing about Laura." I laughed, and said "No, it's a joke." He said, "Come on, you can tell me about it." So I nonchalantly replied "Kirill masturbated to thoughts of Laura." He got really disturbed, so I told everyone else, and they had a similar reaction, except for Zuke, who seemed to take it in stride. Hmmm...
So if that was all it took to disturb the track team, I wonder what they would think when they heard of Max and Kirill's adventures at Grainger during this very long run. Ask either of them for details... If you really want to know, that is.
I did not mention the Matrix once! Oh wait, I did.
Fuck that.
Smack crack bushwhacked
Tie another one to the racks

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/20/2003 07:39:00 PM

5.19.2003 :::

I didn't, really. Spoilers, by the way-

I mean, the weird human-emp thang was completely unexplained, but it's because we're supposed to be in the dar about what Neo really is. Meanwhile, the architect guy said some weird shit, I guess, but it was simple if you can clamber through the string of "as of yet unremoved from the mathematical precision of the unflaminal mistarcticalia that is the matrix," perhaps aided by a fucking dictionary. Not that I didn't understand the words, but there were a fucking lot of them in a short amount of time. Plus, the 6th version revelation has foreshadowing (shit, becoming an english teacher over here. isn't that ironicle?). Remember the Mengelion, or whatever the fuck is name was (we'll call him lipstick-man)? Well when Neo says he'll handle the punk dudes, lip-stick man refers to his predecessors like five times. Seriously, you guys have to watch it about five more times before you'll really get all of this. Hell, I need to watch it more myself.
By the way, I MIGHT post on my blog. I would have but insight.bb takes three FUCKING days to get a connection going to a single area, a fraction of a city. Shit, flip a god-damned switch, how hard can it be. Now, for your viewing pleasure, here's a picture of some sort, which, unlike my penis, is too long for this slim page, so here are links:
this plus this equals this!
Woot.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/19/2003 02:29:00 PM

5.18.2003 :::

You know what the impressive thing is? In a matter of 5 days, we've gotten 76 visitors. Hopefully none of those were people looking for really sick porn.
Hey, you know if I type a bunch of really random words, we'll get more google hits? banana whale clitoris testicle hentai bestiality should do it. This, seriously, is the bad thing about having a blog like this. We get the weirdest people to visit. I mean, we could even have frequent visitors beyond Uni. How strange would that be?

Did anyone else find the ending of the movie a tad confusing?

::: posted by Dan at 5/18/2003 09:50:00 PM

5.16.2003 :::

They're not helping you here, Barr. Sorry.

I just saw the movie (with Kirill, Em Lauren and Dawn were there too), and personally I think it kicks the original's ass. REALLY HARD.

Some shoutouts need serious responding to, and I'll put my answers here because it's screwing up for me.

-maybe this post IS kinda responsive, but I'm the one with admin privs. Fuck you, bitch.

-Vash also had this thing about being calm and collective (mostly), plus a good gunfighter. I never meant Ghost was a pacifist. See, Ben, this is the kind of stuff that gets you labelled a Grade-A Asshole. Noone cares about minor details. Like the guy who reviewed the Matrix, and you got all pissed at. NOBODY should really care what he thinks. I still like it, and I'm not at all troubled by this guy's thoughts. If I were to say your mom's pussy is lousy and too loose, you would probably stop enjoying it because I said it sucked.

::: posted by Dan at 5/16/2003 06:32:00 PM

ummm, im not quite sure how to put pictures on here, maybe i can try to use my feeble html skills.
::: posted by Anonymous at 5/16/2003 03:35:00 PM

Fuck, it's hard to enjoy the Matrix as much with this fucker being a pompous asshat all day. I know you don't know who the fuck he is but he does this all day, he waits for a trend and then acts like he's above us, the sheep, and that he's really jaded and cool and not swayed by eye-candy and shit. I have a feeling Roger "The Fucker" Ebert and his geriatric cohorts will do this too, denying the huge amount of kick-ass-ity in the film because they have to look cool. They also denounce teen movies for the same reason, but also because they lost sexual ability aeons ago and are bitter. This is also why they slobber all over Disney.
I need to buy the game but chances are it's way, way too fucking late to do that any time soon, so I won't, I guess. Maybe I'll rent Max Payne or something to hold me over, or I could try hashish. I hear that's very eye-opening as well. Now I've lost all focus, I'm typing endless streams of worthless text because I have nothing else to do. So here's a link to make up for this. In other news, I promise I will update my own blog at least once tonight, maybe even going into an all-out "I'm back" extravaganza with special guests, music, dance, and maybe some doctored images. All proceeds go to the Fund For Little Boys and Girls Molested by Max.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/16/2003 03:25:00 PM

5.15.2003 :::

Thank you, Ben. The image is quite large, so I'm just putting the link in place of it.
I've redone the image... emily AND Barr will like it now. I do too.

That, unfortunately, is all I have to say, because I've been spending the night playing the Matrix. Fuck yeah!

If you ask me, Ghost is like the Vash of The Matrix. Not many people will pick up both of those two references.

::: posted by Dan at 5/15/2003 11:22:00 PM

The Matrix Reloaded owns you and your fucking mom. Fuck, fuckity fuck-fuck-fuck. Christ, so good, so fileld with complex intricaticies (speleld that wrong I bet), and things you will only notice after the 7th viewing (I plan to hit this by saturday afternoon). The only problem was the audience, namely the kids in front of me. They were our age PHYSICALLY, but they were like slugs, retarded slugs. They kept clapping, waving their hands in the air, and laughing at shit wasn't funny. when this dude (you'll know him, he's at the end and he's got white hair and shit) started using words longer than "fart" they were literally cluthing their heads in confusion. Fuckers.
Clickitty click click.
Thank the fucking lordin god-damned, motherfucking heaven for the Wachowski brothers. I swear I came about five times in that theater. Did I just say that?

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/15/2003 08:01:00 PM

5.14.2003 :::

New photo to the left. Hope you guys like it, 'cause it's my child. Well, maybe not, because it's not the finished version- that should be out by tomorrow, at least.
Yes, I did try to get the worst faces possible.

... "I talk of freedom
you talk about the flag
I talk of revolution
You'd much rather brag"
~"White, Discussion"- LIVE

::: posted by Dan at 5/14/2003 10:57:00 PM

Today I had a terrible, reality-shifting experience that has broken the boundaries of my tiny mind. I, for the first time since subbie year, had fun in english class. Something abouot responding to intelectual questions with "that's what your mom said" and "wack" just entertained me, mainly because we weren't supposed to be doing it. That's really the sad part, of course, that it was only fun because we weren't doing it right. Jesus.
Also, take a look at some more evidence that our nation is shit. Fuck, nobody should be 660 mother-fucking pounds, ever. We're not MEANT to be that fat, and we're not supposed to need craned to leave our god-damned appartments. Fuck, did somebody bring him food, I wonder? Or did he just plan to live off of his god-damned excess blubber for a decade or so until he could walk out? God damn, he should have fuckin burned. If you can't chose what to eat by yourself you shouldn't have the god-damned right. Fuck.
By the way, 66 fucking percent of adults are obese now. Jesus.
Well, I'm done, execpt to say that I'm not part of any of the weird shit Jerry, Barr, Max, and Kirill take part in, ever.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/14/2003 04:48:00 PM

5.13.2003 :::

I was about to delete your post 'cause it was stupid, but I'm glad you edited yourself.
My keyboard is wet.

Emily, do not ask me, b/c I don't have this obsession, whatever you may think. And our children would be quite pleased, if you ask me. Personally, I'm into "Ms." Yi's friend. She's quite the jigga. *If there were an emoticon for biting, it would go here* If anyone wants to know, I'm into vietnamiggas, chiggas, swiggas, and southernhickwithenemiggas.
The idea of people reading this blog is scary, and yet satisfying. If you want, I think you can scroll all the way down and click on the "site meter" thing, which will list our stats. It's surprising, to say the least. Yes, all you people, we are actually more scary in real life.

*Note* The thing got deleted somehow and I had to restart the thing. But it looks better now, and I think we can afford to cleanse the stats every few months or so.

This is pretty short coming from me, but I'm tired.

::: posted by Dan at 5/13/2003 10:40:00 PM

actually, my computer just sucks, and it idnt' load the shout outs, but still, i liek my post, so i'll keep it as a post.

umm, dan there are no shout outs, so im goign to have to respond on this.
ya emily, it is kinda strange, im not even sure which coach is laura, im not sure if i was on the team when laura was there. but at elast they aren't focusing on me, at least as much... and theIcannotspellre will be a picmypenisis3incheslongture up on the blog of her, for everyimakelovetomenone to see who the tralookitsmymomck guys are in love witshecostsfifteencentsanhourh. at least, if jerry is doen taking pictures of his crotch and he actually takes a picture of her, but if he doesn't, no surprise... anyway, i want to see what she looks like too, robbie says that meg is better looking, and i remmebr meg, she was the one who drove us on teh track bus where i had that icepack... ya, track pepell remember... speaking of, did everyoen know that when you run your brain automatically makes a kind of narcotic drug? robert decided last year that he was goign to find a way to harvest it from my brain, and sell it on the blackmarket (how racist, what about the white market?!). i think it's a good idea as long as i make millions, and i can retire before my dad, which is my ultamate goal in life. there's enough non-sensical posting for now, if anyone wants to help me with my top 10 list then just liek e-mail me or soemthing. wait, terrence and asscram read thsi blog? wow, i didnt' realize that, a lot more peopel read this than before...

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/13/2003 07:29:00 PM

5.12.2003 :::

Cheers, indeed, Kirill. A fine example of quality work that can, and will, go on the blog.

So I understand a few people *CouCASEYgh* are unhappy with the filtering that we've been imposing. I'll admit it might seem harsh, but what we do is necessary to keep the quality of the blog up. So if your post is fairly short and/or commentative, use shout outs. There. That's all I have to say about that.

Uhhh, what's there to talk about? Hm, I know.

So today seems to have been one of my finer days, as I managed to really disturb Emily with my various commentaries / actions. So, to end it all, I present this fantasy / horror "sha"ort (does that work? no), as more of a compliment to kirill's work:

So sophomore year progresses, and so does the bravery seen on the second floor. It started with minor teasings in the beginning of the year, and by now the fondling and stimulation has past its critical mass. Nipple tweaking. Spanking. Unexplained spills everywhere, and large - scale theft of Kirill's items, even his family. By now it's all over- summer has provided us with a temporary hiatus during which three, at least, of us will learn to drive and continue the growth. But, as I sit here recovering from wounds of various size and virginity, I'd like to (sha)re with you an account of a truly delightful experience.
It was lunch period. By then the teachers passing were becoming more frequent and attentive to our antics, though no more meddling. They seemed to be indifferent, if not interested, towards our daily activities. That day, as Mr.B passed into the history room, Barr and Jerry were occupied with Kirill's nipples, Max and Ben found themselves lost in Tomek's jungle, and I, well, me...

I was playing pocket pool.

Yes, pocket pool. To tell the truth, I was quite aroused. The feelings I got... oh man, yeah. That was my opium. Watching the mass foreplay was too much for me to remaing idle. I had to relieve myself. Yet simply juggling my balls through my pocket wasn't enough. I needed more. Oh, so much more. I decided to take action and get everybody going, and I knew just how to do it. I reached behind my back, and retrieved the fire extinguisher from the cabinet. Before anyone knew what had happened, they were all blinded by white foam. In a flash, I began to work. Like an elusive leprochaun, I instantly remove everybody's clothes. Don't ask how I did it so fast. Just listen.

By now, everyone has recovered. Rubbing away the stuff from their faces, they came to realize what had happened to them. Blankly, they stared at each other. Th air was extremely tense- obviously I had released a lot of fantasies there. Almost as instantly as I had removed their clothes, they had dropped to the floor in passionate lovemaking. Kirill, Jerry, and Barr were involved in a triangular blowjob arrangement, while Ben, Tomek, and Max were using forks to puncture themselves and lick each other's blood. It went on like this for quite a while, strangely unnoticed by the rest of the student body. It was like magic.

After a lot of shizzing and jizzing, the group dissolved into a "cookout." They all sat in a circle around a frying pan, and each of them took turns in having egg yolk injected up their various orifices and wounds and regurgitating back up into the pan. After all the eggs were cooked, they ate. By now, the alcove from which I was watching was covered in semen. Though all of this was just starting...

...Yeah, I just ran out of creative power there. Oh well. more later, I promise.

::: posted by Dan at 5/12/2003 09:51:00 PM

So after writing my post I did some more thinking on the whole Laura issue. In fact I came up with a quite imaginative episode. So it's third period PE. And for some inexplicable reason Casey just randomly breaks down crying in the lobby. Jeremiah being the only other person there asks her if she is allright and helps her to go to the office. At which point we fastforward. Laura comes into the office. The image that avaits her is horrifying. Alone in the office, Jerry is making love to Casey as she continues crying, and feelby tries to push him away. For about a minute Laura stands there dumbfounded, but then the door closes behind her, she slightly turns her head to look at it with a naughty smile on her face, and says, "Wanna get it on?" At which point she unzips her jeans and starts seductively stripping in front of a crying Casey and a highly aroused Jeremiah. Just in a minute, Doug comes through the door. At first he jsut stands there with a bit of a twitch on his face and strokes his beard as the threesome temporarily stops. He then walks into the back and starts changing. He comes out with a hastily put on Indian costume and mounts the mass of flesh writhing on the floor with agressive shouts of "Whoop, whoop, whoop, whooooop..." intermitted by Casey's soft sobs. The door opens once again and Sally and Merf stand next to each other. Once it hits them they turn to each other and put their arms around each other as Sally sensually slips off Merf's manly shorts, while Casey is of course still crying. The orgy progresses with the door now open, random people walk in, like Domier who starts pouring cheerios on everyone and they stick to Doug's war paint, as he ejaculates all over himself just from watching this heavenly miracle from above. Next comes Emily, complains of Casey being such a whore and slaps her naked ass. Twice. After which she leaves. Betsy comes in, smiles as she is watching, turns around (to max who's naturally there behind her all the time), puts her arms around him and they run away together. Ariana and Tess come in two and start helping themselves to a meal consisting mostly of Casey's body, as she spontaneously sobs, at the end of her hysteria. Greg comes in and raises his hand waiting for someone to notice and fuck him at which point Doug takes his shotgun and shoots him in his balls at point blank. Ben Sands also visits trying to get a pair of shorts from Sally in response to which she unconditionally grabs him, drags him into her room and locks the door. Emanating from the office are sounds of heavy breathing and moaning, Greg's piercing screams of pain, Casey's sobs, and Sally complaining, "His dick is soooo short..." Unfortunately the amazing orgy is ended by the entrance of Meg, who is shocked at everything that is happening. Doug quickly coughs and stands up forgetting to cover his genitals, Laura tries to put on her bra except that it's entangled on Jerry's body. She also forgets about the phone that Merf was sodomizing her with. Merf is hopelessly pinned to the ground and is unable to move and continues to utter heavy sighs of enjoyment and pain. Casey removes herself and holding herself in her arms slowly walks off to the girls lockeroom, after which you can hear Josie cracking up in the lobby. Greg's screams have stopped, and someone is fucking his wound, except you can't tell who cause they're covered with too much blood. Domier can't stop cracking up...

The next day, all of the aforementioned victims and instigators are in Kovacs' office. And she says, "And why did all you get into trouble?" She reads the file, and then says with an expression of comprehension, "Well this has to be, uh, discussed elsewhere... I'll be expecting you all at my house today at, umm, 8 would be good. And bring all the, umm, evidence used in this violation of your rights..."

::: posted by Ataraxis at 5/12/2003 08:46:00 PM

NOTE: I deleted Ben and Casey's previous posts, because they are more suited towards shout-outs. Barr's is too, but I agree with him, so his stays.
Before I get to Gay Baby, another installment in the stories of Jerry's Scary Family (which are interesting because they're real): My brother's Mother's Day card arrived in the mail today. On the front, it says "Guess what, Mom!" Then when you open it up, it says I'M PREGNANT (except I'm a boy...) Killer. To add to Kirill, he claims this was his first time fantasizing about a real person. And he had to pick Laura...
Gay Baby Episode #16 (A lot of these now...) SHAving Virginity (loosely based on a dream I had last night)
N: Gay Baby awakes, unable to cope with his new straightness. Can he really call himself a Gay Baby anymore?
GB: Fighting crime might take my mind off my sexuality. But there's no one to battle!
(Meanwhile, in England)
King: Oh, Kirill, do not spank my titties so forcefully! You are positively giving me whiplash!
Kirill: Oh King, your British accent never fails to stimulate me. But I have to tell you. I am seeing someone new.
King: Eh wot?
Kirill: Her name is Laura. If you took the passion of sex, and gave it human form, it would kill itself when faced with her looks. For it would know that it could never compare.
(Enter Laura.)
L: Well, if it isn't the King of England. Nice to see you.
(extends her hand)
King: Dear God. Kirill, you lie to me.
Kirill: What???
King: She is far more than you say. How could anyone obtain this perfection?
L: Well, I'll be happy to show you. Just bring your kids in here.
King: Childrens, Childrens. Finish with your playthings and get your bottoms in this abode.
(Lots of happy children rush into the room.)
(Laura skillfully grabs the King's penis, and twists. The children disappear.)
King: Eh, wot?
L: I sooooo told you! You see, I just gave you your virginity back. Since you're a virgin, you obviously have no kids. So they're obviously not here.
Kirill: I am the heir to the English throne!
King: My dearest childrens!
(Kirill bites off the King's head.)
K: I am the King of England!
L: Of course you are, Kirill. And I bet the people will really go for you too. At least just cause of those nipples.
(Kirill blushes.)
(commercial break with lots of surreal Illinois Lottery commercials)
(A bored Gay Baby watches TV and discovers that Kirill has assumed the English throne.)
GB: Hmm... This seems suspicious. I better fly over to England and see what's going on.
(Gay Baby does a set of penis pushups, going at an ever-increasing tempo, until his momentum propels him into the sky, giving him the power of flight.)
GB: I can fly!
(Back to the throne room. Laura is licking Kirill's nipples and stroking his cock. Suddenly, she twists.)
K: What? We shouldn't be doing this. I'm not ready to lose my virginity. Wait a minute! I'm not a virgin!
L: You are now!
K: But why, baby?
L: Because with this kind of power, I've gotta do what I gotta do, you know? And what I gotta do is find Jeremiah, the father of the world.
K: And give him back his virginity?
L: Yes!
K: But we would all die.
L: Not me! I am immune!
K: But why?
L: Cause then if he wanted to save the human race... He'd have to sleep with me!
K: Bitch!
(Laura leaves in a hurry as Gay Baby enters.)
GB: Who the hell was that?
K: Oh Gay Baby, for once I'm glad to see you.
(Kirill hurriedly explains.)
(Gay Baby heads to Kenney Gym.)
(Another commercial break, with ads for Cancer in a Bottle)
(At Kenney Gym...)
L: Hey, Doug. Can I have your keys?
D: Yeah, here they are.
L: Thanks. But what's with the paint and tomahawk? It's kinda tacky.
(Doug gives her a strange look, then boards Schlichter's Schphincter and gallops into the sunset, making war whoops.)
(Meg comes out of an alcove.)
M: Hey baby.
(They kiss, tenderly.)
L: You're soooo much better as a virgin, Meg!
M: I know. It really gives me that extra passion.
(PE office door opens.)
Merf: And remember Jeremiah. Don't be foolish, stay in schoolish!
(Laura enters the office.)
J: Hey Laura.
L: I bet you thought you could get away. (Does a Laura laugh.)
(Jeremiah gives questioning look)
(Laura raises a gun.)
L: Take off your pants. The game's up.
J: Hey, you could've just asked.
L: What?
(Laura is suddenly trampled flat by the Schlichter Schphincter. Gay Baby dismounts.)
GB: Good thing I found this ride.
J: Gay Baby, you son of a bitch! I'm going to steal your Evo Card!
GB: Anything but that!
D: Hey, Jerry. Cut it out. We've already got a dead track coach... again.
J: Man, Doug, the last one was your fault. You're the one that mistook Orlando for Zuke and shoved a tomahawk up his ass!
D: Well he should have survived. Zuke would've taken the blow and it would have made him cum straight into his hair. And Orlando went and died!
J: Ehh...
Meg: Laura Pancakes for everyone!
(They rejoice.)

Hope that wasn't too long. Ok, it was.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/12/2003 08:21:00 PM

i was just pissed cause i was really tring to make a point to someone with one part of my post without having a big confrontation and yet they couldnt leave that one part alone i really dont give a shit the other parts that they changed

oh yes and ONCE again my post was deleted sry if i DARE to say anything against anyone

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/12/2003 07:46:00 PM

Well here's to my first post, which would actually be my seconds except the first never posted and I didn't feel like rewriting it.

Well I was home one day last week and I was bored, so naturally I decided to masterbate. So I was thinking up of something to fantasize about and to my mind of course comes... dun-dun-dun... Laura! Yes, I successfully masterbated to fantasies of Laura dominating my mind. I mean c'mon, images of her sexy body got me such an enjoyment as I have never had before, it was amazing. From now on, I'm convinced that Laura is the hottest woman in all the world.

For some background: Everybody knows about the whole barr-laura thing. And if you must know, it's a fantasy of mine and Jeremiah's to have a threesome with both of them. Laura the track coach of course...

And also for another thing, someone put up a poll of whether you think sex with Laura is utterly disgusting, positively arousing, or Mount Me BABAY!!!

::: posted by Ataraxis at 5/12/2003 07:20:00 PM

ok, guys, seriously, this complaining is stupid, if you really think the one that did it cares, then leave. that may make them think, but chances are it won't matter either way. you both wanted desperately to get on this blog, now you complain because someoen is "abusing" admin privs'?! it's their blog, they can do what ever the hell they want. even change my words so instead of saying "hi, my name is barr", i say "hi, im an asshole". so what?! everyone knows what they changed and what was on there before, so even if it fooledsome peopel, most of the people know better. so stop complaining and start postign relevant and meaningful posts.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/12/2003 07:05:00 PM

5.11.2003 :::

*yawn* yeah, and the penalty for short posts is deletion of two posts. Sorry, Ben. And the penalty for me not making sense in the last post... well, it's going bye-bye as well. Heh. Funny how things turn out.

Anyway, Jerry, your post has inspired me. Illinois Lottery... commercial... heh. Let's see what I come up with.

Ok... the latest Illinoise Lottery commercial, as proposed to the networks:

(Soft Bach music playing in the background, candlelit bedroom, with complimentary fucking noises. The camera slowly pans to the bed itself, and lo and behold, there's a guy fucking a corpse.)

Narrator: Fun for some.

(Now, the guy is in the grocery store, sitting on a bench with a lottery ticket. He scratches it off, and shares the good news with the corpse beside him.)

Narr: This is fun for all. Illinois Lottery: play it your way.

Ok, so was that brief or what? Heh, I'm gonna go sleep now.

::: posted by Dan at 5/11/2003 10:26:00 PM

Jerry, you family is amazing, and by "amazing" I mean that someday there's gonna be a tragic headline in the paper along the lines of "Puppet kills four". Unless it's the new-gazette, which only shows overhyped shit about countries without weapons but with people who look foreign enough to demonize, pictures of god-awful children making forts to kill said foreigners, or bullshit about the way The Chief if good for them injuns, even when they say it isn't.
Now, regardless of how crafty Casey may be, you can't be a good Catholic schoolgirl on the inside and a lesbian whore on the outside. Either catholics fear such things, shrieking in terror at the slightest hint of violence on TV but still being intolerant of others (I know you don't all do this, but not all Satanists kill babies either), and thus wouldn't act that way, OR they are already lesbians, like in that one 80's big-hair song. It was this huge lesbo orgy in the classroom, and the teacher, who was kind of old and "sturggling with a weight problem," was all, "now children, I'll beat you with a ruler if you don't quiet down, because that's what Jesus would do". But in the end she got into it and it became a ruler-beating of passion, love, and masochistic lust, and not something dirty like hatred.
I forgot my point, so I'll get into this thing about this dude. I read about some guy who buys corpses from families, embalms and stuffs them, shoves rods up their rectums for support, whatever, and then rents them out as extras in films. I imagine you could, say, use them for really realistic murder scenes too. Fuck, that would kick so much ass. But, it's not really funny because it lacks the crucial context of necrophilia, the world's funniest mental disorder. Except, of course, something else. I can't name anything that would be offensive, though.
To wrap this up so I can get back to musings on necrophilia, lemme say that you all need to see the Evil Dead series, arguably the best non-scary horror movies ever. The guy has a mother-fucking chainsaw for a mother-fucking hand, damn it! Plus there's this freaky plant-love scene, which I don't understand the purpose of. Does anyone know what that's called? Plantae-philia? Bah.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/11/2003 12:51:00 AM

5.10.2003 :::

They say the experiences of your childhood can shape your future self, often negatively.
So here are the things that could only happen to me:
Quotes from my stepdad today:
"You know if your Grandpa doesn't root for the Red Sox anymore, that means they've sure screwed the pooch."
(Playing Boggle) "I see you weren't brave enough to pluralize 'tit' "
"I get 5 messages every day offering to increase the size of my manparts."
And the clincher:
We were at some plant nursery, because my parents forcefully dragged me around on errands after the canceling of the 5k (the abortion of Merf's baby for the 2nd year in a row! no wonder she's a lesbian). Outside was a giant tree with two large metal balls resting casually at its base. I bet you know where this is going. My stepdad pulls my mom over and says, "Kath, just look at the tree from this angle." She laughs nervously. Then he starts showing everyone. I was cracking up. Yes, it kind of did look like a giant wooden penis. But for a parent to point this out, was classic.
See, I can't even make this stuff up. Maybe this shouldn't surprise me, considering his father's fondness for constipated clown puppets.
Other weird sightings:
At the nursery, these 2 bored little kids were nuzzling on their mom, asking her to get home. Except it looked like she was giving them her milk. Too bad they were 11 or 12. It was great. My stepdad said "We should take a photo." For once, I think he missed the connotations. But I didn't.
Incidentally, this blog is fucking hilarious. Because of all the traffic and weird shoutouts, especially the ones posted by "Ben". I am going to kill Ben and have the Lesbolottery.
Someone's gotta lesbo, might as well be you! (Dan, there's another stupid commercial.)
Speaking of the Illinois Lottery, they got rid of their clever theme song, and replaced with it with the tune from the Man Show in the 'Girls Bouncing on Trampolines' segment.
Which I bet Casey loves. Your lesbianism doesn't scare me, Casey. It just makes me want to undress you with my eyes... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/10/2003 10:11:00 PM

the lebiansism as you call it is only to scare u /try to get you to do something...ANDREW...i will write more later i just have the time now so DONT DELETE THIS

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/10/2003 10:59:00 AM

5.09.2003 :::

FUCK
take that
ok so i guess i will write a post about the typical guy in our school cause i want to see how u guys feel about the issue...
i think that the only reason y have the guys in our class are semi gay with each other is that they either a) dont have the sack to ask a girl out because they dont want to be denied or just are SACKLESS or b) they really are gay or c) the girls they like are taken/smitten with another and enjoying making eyes at other boys (hehe) or whatever the fuck the next letter is) have too much sexula energy and need to let their dog/ sibling's asshole heal and need another person/thing/creature to release all of this energy on or next letter) like scaring the shit outta the rapee
REPLY NOW

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/09/2003 05:45:00 PM

5.08.2003 :::

Okok, you asked for it, I'm giving it to you:

CRITERIA FOR NOT LOSING YOUR PUNY, WORTHLESS POSTS:

1: If you're ONLY commenting on a previous post, keep in to shout outs unless it's really long. *glares at Casey*

2: Really stupid, one-line posts that make no sense (you know, less than usual) are automatically gone. No explanation needed. (Example: "shit")

3: Posts that don't really seem to be english (fo sheazy, ma niggah is gahdin' bah l33t p4d) will usually be edited beyond recognition, if not deleted.

4: If you do not post one legit. post per month you will be removed. You may appeal to us, as we will most likely put you back on anyways. Fucking whiners.

4: All rules are subject to exception, ignoration, and/or change based on how Jerry or I feels.

There, I think that sums it all up.

::: posted by Dan at 5/08/2003 11:12:00 PM

Bah, 34 is the best, and it's useful as well, because now I have a good name for my blog. If I post again. Now, themes are hard to pick because there's so many possibilities. Like, do we go with popular culture, or sex, or things about Uni, or disgusting sex, or the political arena, or maybe GayBaby (truly disgusting sex)? I wonder what we'll go with.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/08/2003 07:41:00 PM

dude barr number 399 is MINE

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/08/2003 06:22:00 PM

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

#34: If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we re trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

#399: One thing I always felt bad about was kicking Grandma in the head with my football shoes on. But what was her head doing right by the football like that? And how did the football get in her bed?

#143: Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

#424: I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.

#250: If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

#229: I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

#371: When you're dying, a funny gag would be to act like you see an angel, then pretend like you're having sex with it.

#8: I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/08/2003 05:38:00 PM

AMEN BROTHA

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/08/2003 05:21:00 PM

that would be a good idea, because then it still variates every week, and also it gives everyoen somethign to post about. ben can still write fuck in every sentence, but then he would have somethign to fuck, instead of being a virgin (even in his dreams). althoguh i think that blogs are supposed to be random, nooone has anythign random to say that lasts longer than one post. all of our trying to be random/ tryign to start a convo just dies out after a few posts, and our topics have been getting worse and worse, not in the disgusting sense, in the "wow, this blog is complete and utter crap" sense.
another thing, i think that the admins should make it so they we have a certain criteria for being on the blog, like we actually have to post, ::startes at Sapp and max:: and if we do do the topic thing, then it should only pertain to that topic, or be extrememyl funny, or else the message gets deleted. then like every otehr week we can have no topic, so that some people ::strips lauren:: would be happy... oops, i mean... ::stares at lauren:: ummm, here ::gives clothes back, and continues to stare::

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/08/2003 05:14:00 PM

Fuck fuck fuck a duck
screw a kangeroo
dammit i forget the rest
ok so ur blog was all porno stories before we all came so its not like its anyworse now
if u want it to be better like it USED TO BE (yea right it wasnt as good as yall think it was) then just kick us off! i dno y all of the ppl that were here before me and lauren and ben think that they cant post the same shit they did before, or y its so much worse now
the whole idea of a blog is stupid anyways, unless (dum dum dum! barrs idea) it has a THEME. just pick one every week...that way it stays interesting and YOU PPL WHO DONT LIKE WHAT WE TALK ABOUT can pick......

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/08/2003 04:41:00 PM

5.07.2003 :::

ok, dan, i think you haev to set some grounds down as to how short, and what to post about, i mean seriously, i dont care if this is saving the blog, but all teh recent posts have been really stupid and petty. and then comes ben along in order to "save teh blog" ya right, i mean, ben, you want to save it by posting crap about "dear Abbie"?! it's just insulting. although he did have one idea, that we all need to haev a theme or somethign, that way peopel will know what to post about, and therefore have more ideas. i'll think of somethign else to say soon... oh, there were a bunch of indian guys standing across from me and pointing at somethign on there screen to each otehr. then i heard one of them say "ya, must be 'gangbang'" lol, it was really funny.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/07/2003 05:01:00 PM

That was a little too late to work, I think. But, this may not apply to my extremely ghetto ideas and sensibilities. And, since I certainly don't want Dan to delete these and completely kill the board when nothing happens, I'll add something. But, I have nothing relevant (relevEnt? fuck) to say so I'll point out that people who write in to Dear Abbey suck ass. They're either: a. Whiny fucks who want everyone to know the 10 sensible rules for mother in laws or to celebrate Arbor Day, b. Redneck bastards who got caught a-rockin' wit' they're cousins and now they need advice, or c. People wihtout a decisive bone in their fucking bodies. Their neighbors kidnap, rape, and skin their pets and they ask, "Should I ask them nicely to stop or is that rude?" Fuck, the answer to any dispute with neighbors, co-workers, or any other fucker that the good Lord can think up to ruin my life is simple: murder. Normally a good shotgun blast is enough, but if a group of people does this you want to drive one of them into madness and kill him with a rusty garden tool. That's my goal, I can fucking tell you.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/07/2003 04:30:00 PM

this

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/07/2003 03:44:00 PM

DAMN IT people, u know how I hate short posts. Guess what? They're going bye-bye.

neways I'm sitting here with my chem group, doing our project as opposed to taking the quiz... muhahahah. Fun.
Ok.... later

::: posted by Dan at 5/07/2003 08:44:00 AM

5.04.2003 :::

Could we get a new god-damned poll? It isn't hard to come up with something. How about "What's your favorite hole?" or "Aren't subbies the scum of the Earth?" Or, you could ask what we should do to end the year with a tear-jerking, memorable scene, maybe with a popular alternative band playing in the background. Fuck, how about a poll to ask what we should do for a good poll? I'm just getting really sick of adding votes to the "I'm Barr and I'm assexual" choice, we need something new. How about "Doesn't Ben deserve to be a fucking admin so that he can fucking do this himself and keep the board from dying?" Fuck.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/04/2003 09:33:00 PM

Wow, and blobby volley is such a fast and complex game filled with adventure, strategy, and fast-pasted, challenging action all the way through. In fact, the government plans to recruit space-age warriors using this very game, since it's so hard that only a select few can comprehend, let alone master, it's detailed controls and complexities. Right. I don't think it's smart to cap off sophmore year with anything big because we're still reprehensible for it junior year. We need to wait until senior year, when we cany, say, ejaculate all over the subbies' lockers. Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we should ejaculate all over them. I added the italics to increase the drama, I'm sure you can guess.
By the way, you all need to check this out after your awe for my supreme mastery of HTML has worn off. This is the funniest thing I've seen all week, unless I forgot something.
Woo, let me add something else while I'm at it. Go to 1337.net, go to stuff, and find the gerbil thing. There's nothing funnier than that, excepting the tubby Jedi.

::: posted by Lee the Agent at 5/04/2003 01:16:00 AM

5.03.2003 :::

wow, that WAS magical. cumon, just put in some more of yourself and emily and it would've been a real lesbo cookout.
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE MANGINA IS COOKING?

Jerry, I think it's best if I didn't comment on that story.

This blog is going downhill. I suspect it's because of the end of year shit, but knowing us that's probably not it. I really hope, though, that after school ends things will pick up again. Meanwhile, I will sit back, wait for the end to come. It's a grand thing, really; all I have to do is do a 5 page paper, and maybe study for the WW2/history final test, and my junior year will be but one short summer away. Then, we can start the process all over again- something big will happen, perhaps even more ground breaking than the grainger walk itself. We will be happy, and yet nonetheless surprised as it crumbles before us in a year. But the Grainger Walk will go on. Many good things come to an end. This is not one of them, and it never will. Heil, mein fuhrer.

Hah, and THAT to my list of good german phrases. That makes a total of one.

SO I'm thinking about an end-of-year orgyfyingly radical slamina to do... could it be done? How many people will we actually get to come along? And which dark alley should we fuck them in? Which, damnit? We need something special for the end of our sophomore year, and yet I can't imagine anything being satisfying enough. Nor can I imagine myself doing such a thing. I'll lay this idea to rest now, before someone throws a dildo at my head.

Last point- Barr, I OWN you at blobby volley.

::: posted by Dan at 5/03/2003 10:44:00 PM

wow that sounds really scary
so i have a magical lesbian story to tell
so dawn, lauren, emily, yuki, justin, udara, and serigei all went to a movie. I looked over, and dawn and lauren were making out
the end
wow
that was great

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/03/2003 09:05:00 PM

I just want to post about one of the more surreal moments of my life.
So there I was, last night, after my track meet, sitting around at my grandparents' house, when I hear this squeaky high voice, "Why didn't you go to the Spring Fling???" I look to the left, and there is a 2-foot clown puppet dancing on the floor. It starts berating me, and then because I have no response to this visage of death, it says "What? Do I blow you away?" and then makes a raspberry with its tongue. I am just staring at this point, somewhat lost for words. Then it says "Have you ever seen a constipated clown?", and sits on the ground, showing obvious signs of constipation. Finally, my grandpa walks out of the shadows, puppet in hand. This was really really strange. Maybe you had to be there, but it was very freaky for some reason.
Apparently, my grandpa's gone a little senile after his recent retirement. Although he's only in his early 60's... Because he takes this puppet, named Sonny the clown, all over the place. He went to some fast-food restaurant, and went through the drive-thru with the thing. I hear the workers had no idea how to react to that sort of thing. I didn't know how to react, either. It's hard to talk to a puppet.

::: posted by Anonymous at 5/03/2003 02:31:00 PM