2.28.2003 :::
I haven't written in three days, which is about as long as a break that I ever have. I think convincing my blogmates to use capitalization, proper spelling, and grammar, would be a futile exercise, but I don't care.
Pardon to the elderly readers for the passionately distasteful "Kangway Meets a Goat". Perhaps the necrophiliac and bestial content was a little much for some folk. Namely, I have received some complaints from numerous old folk, each telling wilder and wilder stories of the consequences produced from reading this blog. Did you know that a prosthetic hip can turn rabid? Did you know that the same hip has unquantifiable lust for butterscotch pudding (a mixture of blood and semen, if you're curious, which is why, of course, it tastes so fruity), goats (does this perhaps explain the late Kangway's motivations? And if you're not convinced that he is the late Kangway, have you seen him at school lately?), and naturally, a lust for Kirill's nipples. Did you know "Mr. Bergandine" is really a giant talking douche/gay gangster rapper? (That damn talking douche gave me a B- on my chem quiz!) Did you know Mr. Vaughn does not believe in the the existence of Casey/Farid, but does believe in the existence of himself/Morris (I guess he would know best...) Did you know I narrowly resisted "crabbing" Kovacs, so instead crabbed Kirill? (Crabbing is when you get in a crabwalk, charge someone, and squeeze them in between your legs. It works best with trashcans, cause they're a lot easier to lift and shake than Kirill is.) What did any of that have to do with the initial subject matter? Nothing? That's what you think.
Now that I've let off the random perversions that have been clogging my orifices, now comes the time for random life observations!
Fridays suck... For whatever reason, I get really depressed on Friday afternoons, through some combination of waiting for the weekend and exhaustion, plus the deep struggles that plague my tender heart. (What struggles? I have no idea... It sounds good, though). Anyways, I was in a really bad mood today too, mostly in English and 8th Period. Thus, I wandered aimlessly after school, eventually finding a two-headed dildo on the sidewalk. Struck with the oddity of this oddity, I began a quest to find its owner. Noting it was on the front steps of the Hue House, I passed inside, eager for some sort of reward... As soon as I entered, I was confronted by perhaps the most frightening sight of my young life, so frightening that I can't describe it, because it would be too graphic. Thus, I will scramble the sentence around, and see if you can puzzle it out. dildo headed-two their of loss the lamenting, naked, chairs seminal in sitting, W Rreh and Yevrag Mr. were There. (HINT: READ BACKWARDS!) They saw me, and I fled, fearing the worst. And the worst was certainly coming... Halfway to Kenney Gym, I hastily decided to look behind me, and there was Herr W, eyes blazing red, with a naked Ms. Linder next to him, wreathed in a shiny halo of blue fire. "Der LINDERBONER!", he screamed. With the slow surrealness of a dream, I froze in place, helpless, as the wild LINDERBONER streaked towards me, extending itself at mind-boggling speeds! Just as it was about to ram my head into a car, I realized I was at Grainger, my pants were down, I had a hand over my erection, and everyone was staring at me...
That felt strangely good to write.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/28/2003 07:51:00 PM
2.26.2003 :::
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now for my first REAL post:
yesterday i was playing yahoo pool and as i have told everyone, my rating was gone. it just went and dissapeared. it said that i had played less then 20 games, but in my proile, it had my last 50 games noted as to of whether i won or lost. i played about 5 times when it finally came back. i was happy, untill i realized that the person i was playign had a 1000 rating and i had 1400, then i realized that they had won 3 games, taking 30 rating points each, leaving me at 1310 and them at about 1100. thisisn't really my point though. what i really wanted to get to was more disturbing than EVEN this. the person that i was playing said that they were 14/f/texas when responding to my message "15/m/il, u?" which was in response to her "asl." anyway, this other person that responded "24/m/austrailia" to her "asl" asked her "how naughty" she was due to the fact that her sn was "naughtyone[then numbers]" and this highly disturbed me because he was hinting at the fact that he wanted to do something with her, obviously over theinternet because it couldn't be in real life, that contained "naughty" thoughts. i promply slaped and booted them but they came back. i told him that i barbecue and eat austraillians, and his reply was "do you wan tto eat me" and he continued with the sexual comments, but this time directed at me. i had to explain thast i didn't mean it sexually, i meant it as "kill them, throw them into a fire and rip their limbs off one by one while devouring the meat that was on them." this seemingly scared them both because they left after they had enough time to finish the game.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/26/2003 03:30:00 PM
:::: EDITED BY DAN::::
My female masturbation technique is demonstrated in this page of the tutorial. Enjoy this female masturbation story and advice
If I want to a have another orgasm I stick my middle finger in my pussy. I put pressure on my clit with the palm of my hand. I gently rock onto my fingers ,back and forth in quick rythmic motions. Sometimes I will moisten a finger and slowly turn my clit in between my fingers. If I have any problems reaching orgasm with just my fingers and my pussy is aching for a foreign object, a cold tomek is new favorite. I will never look at a tomek without a smile:o) Cucumber temperature is key, angle comes in a close second. I like to sit erect on cold cucumbers and move my body in a stiring motion so that it stimulates my clit and my ass. The coollness of the tomek adds a whole new level of stimulation around my asshole, butterbean and my clit.. Look around for interesting shapes of these beautiful phallic veggies. They are called cu"cum"bers for a reason!!! Don't take my word for it.Try masturbating with your favorite mullet - man today.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/26/2003 03:03:00 PM
2.25.2003 :::
Yes, it's what you've all been waiting for; that is, a somewhat abbreviated run-through of the classic tale, Kangway Meets a Goat, despite the comparative non-existence of the story.
Kangway Meets a Goat, by Kangway Chuang.
Once upon a time, there was a small little boy, with the relatively unique name of Kangway. He was fairly normal, except for a few small deviations from the norm. For example, he had sexual tendencies for goats. He began to realize this somewhere around the tender age of 10, when all the other boys began to talk about the girls they had crushes on. He played along, saying he had a crush on certain girls, but it was all a skillful lie. Deep inside, he knew where his true affections lay. And they lay with his uncle's goat, a finely-bred piece of meat, that, to Kangway, was undescribably enticing. He wanted to snatch the goat, take it, gently brown its outer coverings, then fulfill his wildest fantasies, something along the lines of sensual licking and large amounts of mayonnaise.
Unable to keep these feelings for himself, he knew that the goat must be his, and it must be his now! Thus, he snuck out of his house in the wee wee hours of the night, and began on a long hard workout, one which would hopefully culminate in the wildest of orgasms. Using his superior running skills, he made his way to a small hut outside of the village of Bement, a disturbingly placid place. In this hut lived his uncle, his uncle's magically-slavish love slave, and of course, THE GOAT!!! The goat was standing unattended, grazing gently upon a small clump of grass. Watching its gorgeous movements, Kangway was entranced. It lowered its head, and ate some more, almost giving poor Kangway orgasm right then and there. Not wanting to fertilize the ground with his seed, Kangway lunged forward and began to caress the goat, gently stroking its supple horns. Just as he was beginning to unzip his pants, his uncle ran out of the house, shot Kangway repeatedly, until he was bleeding from every pore on his body. Then, the uncle induced a wild orgy with the goat and Kangway's corpse, as was his secret fantasy. He couldn't help noticing how surprisingly warm Kangway was, despite his flaccidity.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/25/2003 03:24:00 PM
2.24.2003 :::
Hey, I kinda like the comments thing. Maybe now we can see how many people actually come here, more or less.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/24/2003 10:35:00 PM
2.23.2003 :::
Wow, the comments almost work. Click the Shout Out, post something, and watch what happens! Error! Goddammit!
!!!
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/23/2003 09:21:00 PM
2.22.2003 :::
As I retreat further and further into a shell, it can only be time to write a blog post!
Here's the fun fun site of either Christians so radical, they have something too deeply in common with the Nazis, or clever hoaxers playing a good joke on the unsuspecting erect penises of the male masses. Americans For Purity! (I prefer to hope, truly hope, that it's the latter, because the site is extemely absurd. Assuming the page will actually load up, which it seems to not be responding to currently, be sure to check it out. You'll get a kick out of it! Was that a helluva teenage-girl thing to say or what? I feel so preppy. I think I'm gonna go cheer for the team and spank some ass! Yeah!)
What happened today, in my ever-so-fabled life? I don't know, but fables about my life would be pretty cool. I can just envision the classic stories, ones of such high moral fiber, they would be hard-pressed to resist selling millions of copies and bringing tears of joy to old women across the world. Yes, they would read them, and just reading the words on the page would enter them into a new physical state, something beyond orgasm (YES! It does exist!), something beyond high (Admittedly, I have (and plan not to) no experience here. How does being high stack up with orgasming? Tell me, someone, I'm curious.). At any rate, all normal sensations would be relinquished, and thus, the old women would ascend to a higher plane of being, emboldened by my vigils, amazed by the miracles of my tribulations. Of course, having achieved spiritual perfection, there would be only one course they could take with their suddenly-meaningful lives. They would, of course, become hardcore child porn addicts.
Honestly, that made no sense, but it did have a point. Every individual sentence I write has some inherent meaning that only I know. This is funny. Sometimes extremely funny. But, this time I will share my point with you, and I did remember to sharpen my tip! (There I go with crappy one-liners again... Oh well) According to my parents, they were at the Bement Library, and because I love to put myself in suspense, I'm going to digress again, cleverly broken off by a friendly parentheses. (The Bement Library is a small one-room building with, as far as I can tell, two librarians, both old women, but both very different. One is nice and friendly. The other one sees us as "outsiders", having only lived in this tiny little hellhole for 2 1/2 years or so, and proceeds to stare violently at us whenever we enter the library. Maybe she thinks we're gonna steal her soul or something.) So the meaner old woman somehow got into conversation about e-mails. I forget how the topic got introduced, but here's an extremely indirect quote, which I managed to leech out of my parents with my superior sucking skills; "I hate those e-mails for young teenage girls, they always look so interesting when you get them, but they're never satisfactory when you open them up." This raised my parents' eyebrows, for sure. They managed to convince themselves that she misspoke, in that she must have worded it poorly. I think she misspoke, because she probably read my mind with her weird Bement powers, became emboldened, ascended, and thus metamorphosed into a hardcore child porn addict!
Mwahahahah. It all makes sense now. And yes, Dan, to answer a theological question I once proposed while reading the Bible, "Why aren't there any woman pedophiles???" And now, the answer, is clear: The ones that exist live in Bement, because only there, are they close enough to suck my mindwaves and become peds.
I have some serious issues, seriously.
Post some feedback, except you can't!
Damn blogger.com!
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/22/2003 10:10:00 PM
2.21.2003 :::
Should my goal with this blog be to satisfy myself or my readers? Yes, apparently, there are actually readers. You know who you are, even if I don't. I need to get the thing Mark talks about on his blog where you can monitor your hits and see how people stumbled across your site. Honestly, this new blog is too fresh to bring up any search hits, but I could find the old blog pretty easily on google, with things like "Kangway" and "Kirill Lagoutchev". And yes, you two, I have just ensured that as soon as google updates, this blog will come up with your names as well. That almost makes me feel warm and sadistic inside, but not quite.
I sort of wish I could cut back and deliver some insightful social commentary on the inner workings of our class. Unfortunately, that's not in my future, because I try and not mention people over the blog, and if I shared any observations, Kirill (and others) would probably prove to me how horribly wrong they were. Speaking of Kirill, he has a lot of interesting theories about people in our class. He thinks Mickey is a lesbian. Did that violate my rule? I don't think it did, because I wasn't expressing an opinion of myself, and I don't really give a shit when it comes to saying things about Kirill. Personally, I disagree. I am sure we will argue this for months to come.
I had a fun day today. And that was sarcasm. At times, it was fun. At times, I was kind of laid-back, making my standard perverted comments that haunt all my posts, and will probably wind up haunting this post, too, even if they're not coming yet. I just need my time. But I also had some violent shifts into temporary depressions as well. While this is primarily associated with Fridays, the day of the week when I am very exhausted, (Random Side Note: Kirill's mom asked me if I was exhausted this morning. No further situational details will be given. It is better left to your imagination.), today was worse. If only I could tell you why, but I can't. But it was bad. I have some issues. I hate days like today. Dan saw what I was like after 8th. Yes, I shifted my mood back up rather quickly, thru lots of fun perverted comments on one of our legendary Grainger Walks, but man, was I wasted.... (What is this becoming, a fucking private confession?)
Theory of the Day: Casey and Farid are genetically identical. This goes along with Ben's theory that each class repeats itself, with the same typecast individuals. Honestly, the theory is kind of stupid, as is Ben. (Alright, I'll violate my rule again and say what I think about Ben, cause he tends to piss me off. Last year, he was overly nerdy, and he still is, but he was pretty quiet, and had no confidence in his intelligence. This year, he suddenly changed, and now he magically thinks he's a genius. A hella arrogant one, at that. It's actually funny, cause I think he's an idiot. But he thinks I'm an idiot. Which, of course, is a valid thought, considering how I act most of the time. That really isn't me! What is me? Where I sit here, and go off on extended tangents for lines and lines? Hopefully not. At any rate, the point is that as far as I can tell, because he's managed to raise his grades to a B average, and he knows "big words", he thinks he's a genius. I'm not saying he isn't smart, but he's not near as smart as he thinks he is. I'm not near as smart as I think I am, either. Does that contradict itself or what?) Okay, after the longest separated interval ever, back to Casey/Farid. The theory is stupid, but the idea of Casey and Farid being the same is great. It just really works out well, for some strange reason, perhaps because they're such opposites.
Alright, this post may not have been twisted (no comment) enough, but it felt good to just let out all my discharge, because when it stays inside, it gets all hot and gooey, and then sometimes my orifices get plugged up. And that sucks, because I can't be sucked. That was a terrible pun, but not as terrible as the puns in Chemistry! Mr. Bergandine is keepin' it real on the streets, yo! HOLLA!
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/21/2003 10:48:00 PM
Please tell me if there is something scarier than "Def Jam Extreme" for the PS2, because I have yet to see it. the last thing I want to see is a pale pimply (the skin condition, not the occupation) nerd with bold black glasses sitting in front of a tv rapping like a ghetto foo. Well, actually, the last thing I want to see is thousands of naked black men closing in on me while the chloroform takes effect, but that's beside the point. Anyways....
Happy Fuckin Friday, everybody! To celebrate, I'll take a break from posting. Now back to the homo cannibalism...
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/21/2003 04:28:00 PM
2.19.2003 :::
I came to Grainger slightly early, and discovered an interesting fact:
Between 4 :55 and 5:00, the computers are nearly all taken. At 5:05, most of them are vacated, and and 4:50, most of them are empty.
It's obvious. A secret race of mole-asians dressed as white and asian people come here after Uni lets out just to annoy us. There's no other reason.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/19/2003 03:57:00 PM
2.18.2003 :::
I hope no one takes this site too seriously if they see it. I mean, all this stuff could really touch off on someone.
But enough of my bitching.
What if, in that dark recess of Uni, there's a place they keep all the students who "dropped out," "transferred," or just plain "graduated?" It's in this place that they're force - fed pure cow fat and Kirill's dad's tit's butter so that they get extremely fat, and then when the time is right, they get killed and eaten. Yes, I do believe this goes further than Senior Supper, notorious for the feasting on of many students. This is nothing less than a cult, devoted to homosexual cannibalism. And yes, seeing as the cult undoubtedly exists, gay eating is quite possible. Perhaps, in some distant point in the future, we will be feeding on a subbie or freshman. In all likelihood, it will be scrumptious. And chances are we here on this blog will be the only ones who know about it. Yet in an even greater likelihood we will enjoy it more just by knowing. And you know those lunches they give to the scrubbies during the summer before they get into Uni? Haha, that's right, they're student - meat. And you wondered why some of the subbies got Mad Student Disease and "dropped out." Have fun, as chances are Sung - min had something to do with it.
Enough, thinking about someone eating that Korean is disgusting me, and making me hungry at the same time. Two quotes, to make up for the lacking thereof:
"What's better than six gay men in a room? Me!" -Kirill
"Kris, can't you set them straight?" -Mr. Russell, in a dramatic display of irony only we could understand
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/18/2003 04:24:00 PM
I know what you mean, Dan. Odds are, some little weasel who has nothing better to do with his time than hunt for hardcore bestial porn and work for blogger.com, stumbled upon our blog and decided that it was too inappropriate, and also that the snake picture hit a little too close to home, and randomly closed the thing down. Yet, we have risen again, and my mind cannot count the number of times I "rose" today. I think my hormones are a little overactive. Someone should research this. Women get PMS and periods. What do men get? Are there certain times of the month where our testosterone levels rise to extreme highs and we are overwhelmed by sexual fantasies? I think is the case. Like I was saying, someone needs to analyze this behavior, and come up with some clever acronym to represent it, something along the lines of CRAPS, Cocks Rising And Pulsating Syndrome. Does that work? I think it does. At any rate, I'm suffering from a major case of CRAPS today, and it does seem to happen about once a month. Oh well... I can't say I don't enjoy it.
On that note, I've been sharpening the technique of the mental orgasm. Essentially, what I'm trying to do is reach a point, where I can sit there in class, hands above the desk, and reach a point of orgasm. The applications of this skill should be obvious, and it would sure be intense. I came about as close as I ever have to this point in Chem. I can actually ejaculate without ever touching my penis at all, but I can't orgasm. Oh well, it will cum in time.
I can't believe I'm sharing personal details like this over the Web. Whether these stories are real or not, I cannot say, but they probably are.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/18/2003 03:42:00 PM
Son of a bitch, NOW they decide to announce a problem with publishing. God damnit, if they'd done something before, we wouldn't have this shit with changing addresses.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/18/2003 03:04:00 PM
2.17.2003 :::
Ok... so some things today about... *drumroll* TODAY!
Won't this be fun? You know it always is.
SO, starting from chem- we did some sensual experiments (well, not really) with air, using syringes to pump it in and out. Not a whole lot of the "usual" discussion, but oh well...
...I'll just skip to the good part.
To those, for some reason, new to the blog and/or the group down at the south end of the second floor of uni, lunch and fourth period are usually prime times for us to unleash new ideas. Mostly perverted ones. Today, Jerry and I talked about a penis factory, but also we had fun with Kirill, of the wet 'n' wild variety. Hm hm. We must have spent a couple of gallons running around and threatening people with our mouths full of water (a sort of ritual that dates back to subbie year), and once Jerry was so bold as to blow his load on kirill in front of everyone else. And some people say we talk dirty.
After school, and the remodeling of the blog (note: Fuck you, Blogger), we discussed the ramifications of having every man (and some women) having his penis detatched to fuel this new blooming industry. Obviously, the "castratees" would be forced to give up their manhood or buy a penis from our industry. But then, to replace the lost merchandise, we'd have to send our white nijas out to re-castrate them. Hmm, a dillemma for all those macho men out there, eh? Well, I suppose either everyone would go bankrupt or give up, so soon we'd have to move our business overseas. But then, what happens to the genital-less men of the world? Obviously, institutions such as Fellatio State (come on, don't tell me you haven't heard of it) would be forced to close down, no more babies (well, at least the naturally produced ones) due to lack of real intercourse, and of course, no more manly men. SO, to stop such a dillemma from occuring:
We use sperm and egg banks to grow our own babies. Genetically filter the cromosomes or use blocking techniques to prevent any females. Raise the babies in a protected environment, and when they're ready, CHOP! If you want bigger ones, grow them. You can discard/free the remaining material (the human). Hahaha, we now have a monopoly on human penises.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/17/2003 04:17:00 PM
Maybe we'll be forced to take that off someday. Maybe not. But I think it's pretty funny.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/17/2003 03:47:00 PM
Shield your eyes!!!
Go here, but be warned: it's disturbing material.
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/17/2003 03:42:00 PM
Recovering old posts::::
[2/17/2003 3:28:28 PM | Jeremiah Methven]
Here's my great economical idea of the day. In this time, the age of the Internet, almost all possible product markets have been filled, some with disturbing consequences. But, it has come to me that one extremely lucrative market has gone almost unnoticed. Yes, of course, I'm talking about the sale of human penises. Is it inhumane? Yes... After all, they would not be obtained by asking for permission. What fun would that be? I would send special white ninjas (like Ben) who would masquerade as Barr, thereby seducing every man in existence. (Of course, for the unknowing, when I gave birth to Barr, I altered his genes such that all men, and ONLY men, would find him attractive.) So, thinking that they would finally get sex from Barr, stupid men across the world would walk into the jaws of the trap. By the time the blood would have stopped spilling, we'd have a freshly-caught penis. Prices would run somewhere around $100 an inch. Thus, the infamous Linderboner, which after destroying the German room, went on a rampage in New York with its mate, the owner of which is unknown, would have an infinite value, because, it is, of course, infinitely expandable.
So who would buy these penises? Some answers are obvious, but I feel there are certainly some potential buyers that are being overlooked. For one, lesbians. While these tend to be women, (excluding Ben), and tend not to enjoy the cock, they do use dildos. And after all, who needs a dildo, when you can have the real thing? Is this contradictory? Lesbians using penises in their wonderful intercourses? There's something deliciously ironic about it. There's something delicious about lesbians, too, but I won't go there.
Eventually, the main product-buyers would become the numerous eunuchs I plan to bring into this world. In concurrence with the penis-catching, I would develop a surgical procedure where I could implant penises onto castrated men, AND they would be fully functional. This would help the market in numerous ways. For one, many men would likely castrate themselves, send their smaller penises in, then use the gained cash from that transaction (we would pay them of course) to buy a significantly larger penis. Of course, we would probably just wind up cutting it off again, because no matter how many times a man gets castrated, he still won't be able to resist Barr. This is also what would really exponentialize my incomes. There would be an endless feedback cycle, where each man in the world would get castrated, accordingly buy a larger penis, then get castrated again, and etcetera. To keep up with size demand, we'd probably have to develop pumps to create larger and larger penises. A sewage system would also be necessary...
I hope someone brings this post up in a search engine on accident and has a hell of a surprise. Of course, that won't actually happen, because THIS DAMN THING WON'T ACTUALLY PUBLISH!!!
::: posted by Anonymous at 2/17/2003 03:41:00 PM
